Lake Wisconsin

Right now I’m at the southern end of Lake Michigan, a lake that I fondly remember from my childhood. I can see the skyline of Chicago in the distance. The water here is a little warmer than it is in my hometown of Milwaukee. The waves are gentle today. All in all it makes for a great swim.

But even on wonderful days like this, I’m irksome. It’s my nature. And as I look at this wonder of a body of water, a childhood complaint of mine suddenly fills my brain. Why isn’t this thing called Lake Wisconsin?

There actually was a huge lake at one time that has been labeled Lake Wisconsin by geologists. It dried up thousands of years ago. But look at the map above. Much of the current Lake Michigan is bordered by Wisconsin. Those people “on the other side” somehow got naming rights. I don’t get it. It was a power grab that should be rectified asap. From now on, I’m not just going to complain, I’m taking action. It’s Lake Wisconsin from now on. You’ll never see the “M” word after the word “lake” in my writing ever again

Oh I know. You can make the argument that more of the Lake Wisconsin shore is bordered by Michigan. But that situation is a fluke. The upper peninsula (aka the UP; its residents are called yoopers) of Michigan is what gives that eastern state the edge in naming rights. Most people in Michigan don’t even know that the UP exists. Recently, some Michigan state officials left the UP off a come-to-Michigan tourism ad. It wasn’t the first time the state has done something like this. Sheesh. Talk about lack of respect.

Not only should the lake that separates the two states be called Lake Wisconsin, but there is no reason for the UP to be part of Michigan. I’m sure Wisconsin would give the yoopers a better deal. Do they really want to be burdened with the detritus that is Detroit? I would think not. The UP isn’t even contiguous with Michigan like it is with Wisconsin.

I know that yoopers are in general dissatisfied with how Michigan treats them and have made some effort to make the land a state of its own. They shouldn’t waste their breath and paperwork. Wisconsin is where they ought to be.

Wisconsin could buy the UP, kind of like when the US bought Alaska and Louisiana. It would be a worthwhile investment. All those trees. All that fishing. Fantastic cross country skiing. What’s there not to like? Plus did you know that Houghton in the UP has one of the finest universities in the world for the study of volcanoes. I don’t know how this happened – a volcano hasn’t existed in the UP for a couple billion years – but it did. I’m certain Wisconsin would salivate at the prospect of having a volcano research program of its own. Doesn’t Wisconsin Tech have a nicer ring to it than Michigan Tech? Sure it does!

If Michigan won’t sell the land, I’ll gladly sign up to lead a militia to take what is ours. I’m sure, borrowing from Dick Cheney, that (unlike Iraq) we’d truly be welcome with open arms as heroes and liberators. Those yoopers have suffered long enough under the yoke of their non-contiguous neighbors to the south. Wisconsinites understand you. Wisconsinites won’t ever leave you off their state maps. Come on over to the western side where your true friends are!

Together we can share in the beauty of our own lake. Just remember that given prevailing western winds all the crud of Lake Wisconsin ends up on the Michigan shoreline. Who would want to be associated with that?